Thursday, June 18, 2009

Yummy, yummy, yummy, I've got lovin' in my tummy

For a short period of time, comparable to life on death row, we lived with my dad while the first C was a toddler. Really it wasn't a bad deal because the rent was free and we were poor so it worked in our favor. Besides, my dad was always at work and we pretty much had the house to ourselves.

So one morning the small tot, who was probably three at the time, and I were downstairs when I saw him coming toward me licking on a shiny wrapper.

What have you got there, I asked.

This banana candy Paw Paw left me, he replied.

I took the wrapper and turned it over to see what it was that my child was ingesting.

Oh sweet Jesus.

This poor, unsuspecting, sweet, and innocent child was licking the inside of a banana flavored condom wrapper left on the coffee table by his grandfather. Panicking I thought surely to God he didn't leave the inside of the package laying around.

I was feeling rather nauseous considering that I was holding a CONDOM WRAPPER USED BY MY FATHER. Because my God, my daddy didn't do that type of thing, right? I didn't want to believe that he ever really had a man part, and if he did he certainly didn't use it, right? I mean, let's just say he did have one, but surely he only used it for the sole purpose of having a baby, and right after I was born his fell off, right? I mean, he probably just prayed for his children and we were all conceived through immaculate conception because you know daddies just don't do that kind of stuff, right?

I was trying to make sure that my little son's sweet baby hands had not been subjected to touching the actual real insides of the "candy" laced wrapper. But how do you ask a three-year old this type of question? I mean it's not like I could have said, son you didn't happen to pick up a used condom along with this prophylactic wrapper did you? Hee hee. I just don't think he would have seen the humor.

You didn't see a flat balloon laying around did you baby?

I was desperate it was the best I could do.

Please God, I think I will vomit if I see something like that.

Thankfully, I was spared as no further evidence of the fornicating that had taken place there earlier was left behind.

I think I was on the road to recovery and had put this whole traumatic event behind me until a couple of weeks later when I was riding in the car with my mother. I was searching for something in her purse when thinking I had found a box of gum, I realized I was holding a small box of banana split flavored condoms with only one flavor missing. You guessed it - banana.

I told you they were a break up to make up kind of couple.


  1. Will you ever tell big C this story? Ha-ha. I found this story hilarious, but I'm not sure what kind of humor he will see in it.

  2. Of course she needs to tell big C. It is her duty as a mommy to embarrass him.

  3. OMG - I am laughing so LOUD right now my boss just came out of her office! THIS IS GREAT!!!!!!!!!!!