Friday, June 12, 2009

The dead fish

Since I had so much fun reminiscing about my unexpected pregnancy news, I thought I would go back even further in time and tell you all about another grand occasion from my younger days - my first time. Now I know what you are thinking, my goodness is she ever going to talk about anything other than the birds and the bees and her reckless teenage ways? Well, of course, don't be silly. I am married now. WITH CHILDREN. I no longer seek out places so I can secretly do it, instead I now seek out secret places to hide so I can avoid doing it.

Anyway, here is my story:

I was with my friend one day, yes the same friend from the test drama, and was discussing with her my very important decision to finally go ahead and go ALL THE WAY. Of course, I had some major concerns and wanted her opinion to help me overcome these obstacles. She immediately assumed that I was concerned with a trivial thing like pregnancy. I was appalled.

Oh my God, I just want to do it, I didn't say anything about getting pregnant, that is for old, married people. Are you kidding, I am worried about something way more important - I don't want it to hurt.

You see I already had a vast knowledge of the human reproductive system, in fact, I had been an advisor of sorts on the subject for years. Yes, even in elementary school when my best childhood friend confided in me, all teary-eyed and said her mom wanted her to use OB tampons and she was afraid. When I asked what she was scared of she looked at me with wide eyes and said of getting pregnant, of course. To which I responded, "With what, finger puppets?" So obviously, I knew all about how babies were made.

Back to the story:

My friend really wanted to help me with my situation, so with true teenage logic she explained to me that if your arm is relaxed that means your whole body was relaxed and if you relax enough it won't hurt. You know it's like getting a shot, if you don't tense up, you won't feel a thing, she said. I am sure that is what every man is going for - to make sure you don't feel a thing. She was a real Dr. Ruth in the making.

Now that I was armed with the great secret of how to be successful in the bedroom, I decided I was going to finally give in after four years of being a major tease to dating my boyfriend.

When the big day finally arrived we ended up at a very romantic spot, the Days Inn, I was ready to get the show on the road. All I could think of was how I needed to keep my arms relaxed. So, I laid there throughout the whole thing with my arms draped across the bed like limp rags. The only way I can even come close to comparing this to anything is that it must have been like doing it with a dying fish that was flailing around in air desperately trying to make it to water. Clearly, it must have been the time of his life all that he had hoped for and more.

So what's the point to all of this? The point is that maybe if your teenage friend comes to you seeking advice maybe you should talk a little more about the important stuff like, I don't know, CONTRACEPTIVES. And also, if you are having infertility issues trying doing the whole dead fish technique, it's pretty effective. If that still doesn't work, try using the technique in a car, works like a charm.

By the way, I called my friend yesterday to thank her for all of her wisdom and advice she had shared with me during our youth, but mostly, for having such a positive impact on my life.