Lift me up

A couple of years ago I was sitting in church on a Sunday morning minding my own business and trying to focus on the important stuff like praying and getting closer to God and all, when I witnessed a man get more excited about praising God than anyone I had ever seen.

On this particular Sunday a singing group had been brought in to sing some good ol' gospel music and everything was going along perfectly just like any other service. The music leader of the church got up so he could sing a song with the band, at the lead singer's request, and the music starts, then the clapping begins, and everyone is up there singing and having a good old time when I suddenly notice something a little different about the music leader.

I lean in and focus my eyes to see if I am really seeing what I think I am and sure enough, the choir director was really getting in to the music. Yes, he was praising the Lord in a whole new way. As he turned to the side, it was clear as day shining right through those khaki slacks - he was definitely lifting those praises up, if you know what I mean.

Now I can feel my face getting hot with embarrassment because I am staring at this man's crotch while in the house of the Lord. I might as well have had smoke coming out from under my seat as the gates of Hell opened so Satan could call my name a little louder.

I couldn't help but chuckle to myself at the show that was taking place right on the pulpit, but I had no one to share the laughter. I had kids on one side, the elderly on the other, what was I supposed to do? So I sat there in disbelief as this man moved all about the stage like nothing is wrong while his Christian soldier was at full salute.

I mean, for God's sakes man, get behind the podium or something. Help a poor sinner out here, I am begging you.

By the time the song ended, I had my eyes closed and my lips pressed tight and was trying to think very solemn thoughts about flames and damnation and where I was surely heading if I didn't get my mind out of the gutter. Thankful it was finally over, I jumped to my feet to join the other members of the congregation to show my appreciation for the beautiful singing that had just taken place when one of the ladies beside me leaned over and said I enjoyed that so much, didn't you?

I couldn't resist, it was quite an uplifting experience.

Yes, I know, the devil probably has me on speed dial by now...