Monday, June 15, 2009

Why, hello there doctor

After giving birth to three children and having several yearly exams, I think it is safe to say that I have spent a fair amount of time at the gynecologist's office. During these numerous visits I have made some observations that I would love to discuss with the doctor if I really had the nerve.

First of all, for the life of me, I can't understand how in the world male gynecologists ever have children. I work on a computer all day and the LAST thing I want to do is go home and spend all night staring at the computer. It just seems like he would be thinking could you please get that thing away from me, I have been looking at those all day...

Also, can you imagine being married to a pregnant woman in her last trimester if you were a baby doctor? Anyone who has ever been pregnant and desperate to deliver knows that you would badger the poor man to death. Please, check me come on I know that I am dilated, I CAN FEEL IT. When the truth is your doctor already checked at your visit earlier that day and told you that NOTHING had changed. Then thirty minutes later you would be asking again - can you check me now? How about just breaking my water, come on, I won't tell. YOU ARE MY HUSBAND YOU HAVE TO DO THIS. Seriously, he would probably need to stay at the hospital during the last month of the pregnancy just to avoid divorce proceedings.

Another observation I have made while visiting the doc for the routine pap smear is does he really need to ask how I am feeling today? If I could be candid the answer would sound something like this, I am sitting here stark naked wrapped in a paper towel. In a minute I am going to have to slide my big ol' rear-end to the edge of the table and place my feet in stirrups so my lady spot is exposed for the whole world to see. Oh, I am just grooovy.

Then my next favorite part is when they tell you just to relax and try to make small talk as they slide a cold, miniature version of the Jaws of Life into an area that it clearly does not fit and then proceed to take a two-foot long Q-tip and tickle your throat. Clearly, I am joking here, if your OBGYN has ever tried to insert anything into your throat you should probably change doctors and perhaps notify authorities.

Lastly, you are forced to lie still and smile up at this man while he feels you up and checks for lumps of cancer. You follow that pleasant experience by discussing your menstrual cycle and sex life. Nice.

The last thing I would say to the kind doctor when he offers his hand for me to shake at the end of the visit is - no thanks doc, I know where your hands have been.

Have you scheduled your yearly visit yet?

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