Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Hanes so not my way

I am facing a major dilemma and I thought I would share this problem. I do have to warn you before you continue reading, especially those of you who actually know me, please forgive me for the mental image these words may create. I am not responsible if this causes you mental damage beyond repair.

Lately I have been having some major problems with my panties. I remember when I bought them they worked just fine and seemed to be just your average, run of the mill, pretty comfy cotton pantie. However, over the past couple of months these panties that used to cover my derriere now only want to hang out and gather smack dab in the middle of my behind.

Thank God for the cube wall because nothing says classy like digging your panties out of your butt every time you stand up.

I opted to purchase the bikini brief not the thong for a couple of reasons. One, I don't like the feeling of something in my booty crack all day. Two, thongs are not attractive when you stretch the string across one side of your cheek so it can no longer ride your crack (just the mere thought that my butt cheek is big enough to be a wedge is scary in itself). Finally, I am trying to hide my cellulite not showcase it.

Think of the children people, if I did not keep that stuff hidden they would probably vow to never EAT AGAIN.

So after discussing in great detail my problem with a dear friend she came up with a brilliant solution. Did she tell me that my butt had expanded and I probably needed to go out and buy some under garments that actually fit? Well heavens to Betsy, of course not. I said I was talking to a dear friend not my mother. Geez. So my sweet friend went out and purchased me a pair of Soma panties.

Now these little things are made of magic and will not crawl no matter what you do. For those of you who are also in denial when it comes to pant size and continue to wear yours after they are maybe just a little too snug (forget buttons, that's why God invented rubber bands, so we don't have to change pant sizes) - they don't show a granny pantie line either.

However, if you are anything like me you will think the same thing I did. Soma panties are nice but they cost soma MONEY. Similar to the other store, you know the one with the secret, these can add up quickly.

Speaking of stores with secrets, I no longer buy my panties there either because I can look in the mirror at my big ol' hippo butt FOR FREE. I don't need to accentuate it with lace and pretty string, it is quite noticeable with out adding decor thank you very much.

So here in lies the problem, keep wearing the crack riders or take out a loan and purchase some of the good stuff. It is sad when you have to finance your underwear, or accept the fact that you have gotten larger, just to be comfortable. I mean the the lengths a girl will go to.

Since we are on the subject of underwear I also have a bone to pick with the whole Calvin Klein boxer ad campaign from a couple of years ago. Remember the one with Mark Wahlberg? Yes, that's the one. I bought the husband some of those boxers and I didn't get Marky Mark, it was a lot more like the funky bunch.

But hey, I am no Heidi Klum either.


  1. I understand completely. I am convinced the dryer has a conspiracy against me. Yes, lots of love for the cube walls. Lol!!

  2. You have found magic underwear? Gimme gimme gimme!

    "Two, thongs are not attractive when you stretch the string across one side of your cheek so it can no longer ride your crack"

    OMG! This is one of those things where you think "Hey I do that too! I thought I was the only one who did that". But this time, I'm not just saying that...I really did think I was the only one who did that!

    So where do I git me soma those cool panties (cuz I'm all about the cool panties).

  3. Well, I'm a fan of the thong and I'm here to say that you will eventually get used to having fabric wedged up your ass.

    If all else fails you can always just go commando. ;)

  4. The magic panties can be found at soma.com and they are worth every penny.

    I would go commando but I have to keep those behind me in mind. Like Jello, I think I have put maybe a little too much wiggle room in my diet!

  5. You forgot one more solution: go commando.. The only other time I wear panties is when I have to..aka that time of month, or I'm wearing an outfit where underwear are a must.. Otherwise I go wedgie free and I'm loving it!!