Potty mouth

Hi, how are you?

A common phrase, we all use it and is normally followed with, fine and you? At least we hope it is. But there is always that one person, and we all know one, that you dare not utter those words unless you want to stand there and get a full play-by-play of their medical history. This is for you, and the people like you, who love to share all of that personal information like how often your bowels move or how often they do not,  so take a note and remember this the next time you are in this situation.

How many times have you stood their providing your medical background to some poor soul who simply asked how it was going and their response has been - Well, bless your heart...

Let me help you out here and explain what most of you southerners are already aware of. The phrase, "Bless your heart" is what all nice southern people say when what they are really thinking is Oh sweet Jesus, please save me and get me away from this person.

It is the southern version of if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all.

My mother is the world's worst for sharing too much information. She is a repeat offender of the worst kind. Case in point, she was supposed to go to a baby shower and was not going to be able to make it. If memory serves me correctly the phone conversation went a little something like this -

Expecting mother: Hello

My mother: Hey hun, I just wanted to let you know that I am not going to be able to make it to your baby shower this afternoon. I am sick.

Expecting mother: Oh, I am sorry to hear that, I hope you feel better soon.

My mother: Me too, I have had the worst case of diarrhea, I have been up and down all night, I tell you it is just awful.

Expecting mother: Well, bless your heart...

Do you see how this works?

First of all, you should never discuss your terrible case of the runs with anyone whose name is not followed with the letters M.D. No one wants to hear that. So for the love of all that is good in the world, please quit sharing too much information about your bodily functions with the rest of us. We don't really need to know that you have been on the commode all night and now your hemmoroids are so flared up you can barely walk. Do us all a favor and get some Tucks and keep it to yourself.

So remember the next time you are posed with the question simply say these three little words - fine and you, and instead of hearing bless your heart, I guarantee you will hear a sigh of relief.