How does your garden grow?

I am not one of those lucky girls who barely has any arm hair, or naturally thin eye brows, or light hair on her legs that allows you to go weeks without shaving and it not be noticed. Oh no, that is not me. I can wax my eye brows and a week later they need to be done again. I am total mustache denial. I don't only have to shave my legs, I even have to shave my big toe.

Don't be a hater, you know you do too.

So with bathing suit season right around the corner, not my favorite time for many reasons cellulite, stretch marks, jelly belly, thunder thighs that shall remain unnamed, I am once again faced with the daunting challenge of the bikini line. Or in my case, the lack thereof. Let's be honest, I would have unwanted hair down to my knees if I wasn't careful.

Laugh all you want, you know you have been there.

Of course there is always the first option, the plain and simple one, the razor. The razor and I share a love/hate relationship because while it does get rid of the squirrel tail, it also leaves behind a horrible case of what looks like teenage acne on the top of my thighs. And no, not the kind Proactiv can clear. Of course I have tried all the creams, the alpha hydroxy, the Bikini Zone, the powder, the bend-over-backwards and turn-three times to prevent razor burn method.

Nothing works.

I have seen the commercial that shows all the skinny tramps, I mean lovely ladies, prancing around in their shorty shorts with their smooth legs and I have dared to Nair. Sure the hair washed down the drain. So did the nasal hair that has burned out of your nose from the horrendous burnt plastic smell of the toxins you have just smeared into your skin to get rid of a little unwanted hair. It works fine until the next day when the stubble returns in full force. Are we sure Nair and Rogaine aren't made by the same company?

I have even dared to try to use a home waxing kit. Of course I know I can go to a salon and pay some poor soul to do this for me. I refuse. I can't bring myself to do it. No one deserves that kind of torture. If you think you are having a bad day at work just think about doing that job for a living. The nightmares. I can't imagine.

Back to the home project, I bought the kit with the best of intentions, followed the directions and heated up the wax, made sure it wasn't too cold or too hot, and then I proceeded to rip the skin off of parts of my body that will  never fully recover. Not to mention the wax got cold a lot faster than I expected and I thought I was going to have to take a trip to the ER to the have crack of my rear end surgically reopened. Saying it did not get well is an understatement. A huge understatement. I still break into a cold sweat when I see a jar of wax or a popsicle stick.

So until I come up with a viable solution, there will be no string bikini here.

Anyone know where I can find a nice wetsuit?