Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Do who??

In addition to signing your life away, and by that I really mean signing your life away, one of the many things you have to agree to before going on certain types of medication is to swear that you will not intentionally become pregnant or impregnate anyone. So after I wrote my name in blood, pinkie-sweared, spit and shook on it, I completed the necessary requirements for proving that I was aware I could not, should not, would not try to get conceive while highly medicated.

Although they want you to agree to use at least two forms of birth control I quickly explained that I have been married for a long time which really is almost the same as abstinence, and the husband had a vasectomy years ago. We came to that agreement after I agreed to grow, birth, and care for our children and in return he agreed to cut off the supply. It really was the very least he could do, but also quite possibly the most romantic thing anyone has ever done for me. I mean what says I love you more than I am willing to end my God-given right to create another human just on the off-chance that you might continue to have sex with me until we are dearly departed. Now that's love.

So after she went through the whole well-that-is-really-his-birth-control-method-not-yours speech, she said there was yet another form I could fill out stating this information. So instead of agreeing to a tubal or purchasing a chastity belt, I agreed to the form. It was quite simple and asked the basic questions. I quickly checked the appropriate boxes, signed my name once again, and handed the form to her.

She smiled and said I should have warned you about this one. You will have to scratch it out and initial here. I looked at the paper and saw that she was pointing to this question:

Same sex partner to which I selected - yes.

Duh, this was a form about my husband's vasectomy remember. Of course I have the same sex partner, otherwise that whole vasectomy thing wouldn't mean a hill of beans now would it.

She said don't worry people do it all the time, but this means same sex partner as in, you know, same gender. Now I am no doctor, but I had no idea that two women or two men for that matter could conceive. Plus, since this whole form was vasectomy-related, I had no idea lesbians even got vasectomies. Geez, what rock I have been living under? Obviously I should get out more.

I had to go home and break to Adam that I could not try to get pregnant anytime soon. I think he was relieved especially since he can no longer have children. I also had to tell him that I informed the doctor's office that I am sleeping with a woman. I think he was excited at first, but deeply disappointed when I told him that the girl I have been intimate with is, in fact, him.

On another say what note, the big C, who is now 13 and full of questions asked me if dogs could get STDs. I don't know who I should be more worried about - him or the dog.

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