Sunday, November 7, 2010

Time crunch

Unlike the Rolling Stones I don't know if time is really on my side, or anyone's side, for that matter. For some reason even more than before I have spent a lot of time obsessing over how I spend my time or lack thereof. Like most working moms I constantly question the amount of time and energy I spend giving to my job and always wonder if the time I spend away from my kids helps or hurts them. Don't get me wrong, I don't see the big C at 12 years old robbing a string of liquor stores at gunpoint and saying that his mom was a, a working mom - as an excuse or anything.

But there is that twinge of guilt that runs across me when I can't attend a field trip or a class party because of work, or that sadness that fills my heart when I see a child with their mom while I am out during the middle of the day on a lunch break. I think any mom, or dad even, can relate to this feeling.

I also commute an hour each way to work which means I am up and gone before the kids are even awake for the day. I can't tell you many times I have agonized over this, but at the same time on the days I am home with them rushing through the morning routines, scrambling to get out the door on time, I find myself feeling guilty for being late for work. I get home around 5 in the evenings which isn't so bad, but I also miss out on a lot of the things other moms do on a daily basis. I don't get to pick the kids up for school very often and before the husband was home full time there were several times when I found myself rushing in at the very last minute to pick up the kids from daycare.

However, since the husband is able to be there for them when I am not it has really been nice. I told him if I had known how nice it was to have a wife at home I would have gotten one years ago.

Note to self, I don't think he likes that joke.

So yes, it is nice that they have a parent at home, but to be honest I am a little jealous. More than ever before I have started to realize that the time is coming that all the Cs will soon have lives of their own and it makes me sad to think I may have missed out on something. But of course, on the other hand, I am extremely grateful to have a job that allows me to provide for my family and allows me time to be there for them. I may have not attended every school or class function, but they have always had someone at every event, not to mention how many evenings or weekends I have spent at various sporting events cheering on my favorite athletes.

All time well spent.

Then there is this other pressing matter of time I have been focusing on lately:

How much time before the old liver really decides to call it quits?
Will it ever really happen or can I continue to mentally wish it away?
How will I know it is time or will I just feel sick one day and never feel better?
If I ever make the list will a new liver be found in time?
Will it last until I am at least 125, old, cantankerous and ready to go?
Basically, how much time do I really have?

Isn't that the million dollar question for us all? I could just as easily get hit by a bus tomorrow as I could wake up sick. I always wonder why people use that expression. I don't know, or haven't heard of anyone that was ever hit by a bus - a car , yes. Even a train, but never a bus. So until the time comes, whether it be a failing organ, or Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock on an unstoppable bus out to get me, I guess I will just continue to do the only thing any of us can do - live.

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